Two pairs of flip flops lined up side by side at the back door. A tiny little hand made door mouse that I bought last week perched on the keyboard of my computer looking up at me in sweet innocence. A cup of coffee that is starting to get cold and a green felt pen. Rosary beads and a remote control. A solemn Santa ornament that brings a quality of dignity to the room. I look to him when I want to connect with my grown up serious self. Everything is appearing in the space of right now. Everything infused with the light of awareness.
I feel my seat on the couch and feet on the floor. A warm and cozy blanket on my lap. Ground. It took me a long time to find my ground here in the present moment. To land here. Because of childhood trauma I had no capacity to regulate my own nervous system. I was extremely dependent on others. There are times when I find myself triggered back into a frantic survival state but it doesn’t last very long. I have learned what my physiology needs to come back to a state of equilibrium.
Attuning to my nervous system is multi-layered; attuned, gentle, kind, compassionate, slow and patient. I can regulate my own nervous system now. I am no longer at the mercy of others for safety, validation or belonging. This is the longest and the most arduous journey I have ever taken.
I’ve always felt challenged this time of year by the consumerism and incongruence of the ways we celebrate Christmas. This year I find myself unable to engage in anything that pulls me away from my own integrity. When I use the word integrity I am pointing to a state of being undivided. I have no interest in pretence. I can’t bear it. Pretending sends my nervous system into high alert. It’s a disconnect that my nervous system can no longer tolerate. My system longs for safe, slow, simple, kind and genuine interactions.
There is a kind of congruence in simply being here. I am not demanding that the present moment be anything other than how it is and the present moment is only ever inviting me to be here as I am. I can be a complete mess and look around and see that nothing, absolutely nothing, is asking me to be any different. I feel held in the warm embrace of right now.
Holding you in gentle compassion.
Love,
CandaceÂ
All of Candace’s services are Trauma, PTSD, Complex Grief, Chronic Illness and Benzo withdrawal symptom sensitive.