I love to walk outside into my yard in the early morning. I usually get up at 5:00 am and it seems as if I’m the only human being awake at this time of day. This morning I was greeted by a family of quail. I haven’t seen them so far this year and I was delighted to see them, quietly delighted, so I wouldn’t startle them. They were a distance away so I couldn’t count how many babies there were but I could see at least 3 adults. Even from a distance I could sense that they knew I was there by the way they stopped moving so I quietly backed away and came back inside.
Nature always calls me back to reality. Whether it’s a bird; a flower; the sound of rain; a weather pattern; clouds; the shape of leaves on a tree; a mountain in the distance or even the feel of cool air on my skin. When I feel myself lost in the past Nature calls me back. The sense of separation between “me and nature” is starting to fade and a quiet reverence for all of life is taking it’s place.
As much as I love connecting with nature in the morning I also love connecting with my cup of coffee. The feel of my feet on the ground; the weight of my body on the couch and a warm cup of coffee in my hands is such a reliable sense of home. I’ve come to discover how much this body; this being loves familiarity. A comfy chair; a warm blanket and a cup of coffee in the morning also calls me back. It’s as if everything is inviting me to be here. My mind is quiet this morning. I’m not feeling pulled in all directions. I notice some survival patterns in my body, here and active, even in this quiet and safe space. I recognize them for what they are and invite them to also notice that it’s safe here. It wasn’t safe in the past.
I’m grateful to be here now. This moment that is so ordinary, simple and true. There is no longer a demand for anything beyond what is here. I have learned how to receive the moment and to also meet what feels overwhelming in my physiology. It’s not an easy path. When I first started out on my “spiritual path” I couldn’t have imagined how much would ask to be met.
There were unspeakably hard years when I wondered what would even survive the inferno of my life. What survived is tender and so less certain of anything. I often feel like I am walking around in a new body. I feel awkward and uncertain in social situations. My habitual social organization has been freezing and fawning which is a whole other conversation. What happens as we come out of these protective survival identities? There isn’t much of a map for this beyond a commitment to meet what’s here and allow the new to arise on it’s own. We can’t make it happen but we can learn to trust and come into alignment with the intelligence of this impulse towards awakening.
I speak a new language like so many of us who have been through the fire. I don’t wear an identity out in front of me any longer and there is a vulnerability that comes with that. It’s a new way of being. I call it a change of occupancy. Something beyond survival is living this life and what that is remains a mystery.
“You are an incredible mystery that you will never figure out. To be this mystery consciously is the greatest joy.” ~ Adyashanti
Sanctuary for the Heart
Sunday Online Weekly Gathering
I’m more of a naturalist than an expert when it comes to healing trauma and embodying our spirituality. I don’t know how to make it happen but I do know how to cultivate the conditions in which truth and wholeness can emerge.
If this resonates with how you learn best, come join me and a small group of friends for my Sunday Online Weekly Gathering.
Next week, Sunday, July 19th, I will be teaching: Creating the Right Conditions for Truth and Wholeness to Emerge
All of Candace’s services are Trauma, PTSD, Complex Grief, Chronic Illness and Benzo withdrawal symptom sensitive.