When I first began my spiritual journey I would spend hours in old book stores looking for anything I could find on Eastern religions, Christian Mysticism, Advaita Vedanta, Sufism etc. I went to church, 12 step groups, sangha, silent retreats, travelled to California (many times) and spent hours in meditation, spiritual inquiry, chanting and prayer.
My spiritual thirst was insatiable. I facilitated small groups and taught meditation and spiritual inquiry. At the same time I was raising a family. I noticed early on that not many (none) of our family friends, my kids parents or extended families shared my curiosity for all things related to spiritual awakening. I brought my beloved Papaji book, The Truth Is, on a picnic with 2 friends once, innocently believing they would share my enthusiasm. They didn’t.
“The first stage of the awakening journey is the calling. The calling arrives when we first feel that spiritual impulse that galvanizes our attention. All of a sudden we sense a greater mystery to life that we seek to experience more deeply; it literally calls us.” ~ Adyashanti
When I first began learning about the relationship between trauma, the nervous system and spiritual awakening I spent hours researching and learning from all the great teachers of trauma healing. I spent hours and invested a decade of time and money into becoming a skilled practitioner while also healing my own trauma. I began to notice again that none of my family or friends shared my enthusiasm for healing trauma or even made the connection between unintegrated trauma and suffering. If someone was suffering, addicted or unable to cope it must be because they are a defective person. Some going as far as saying that the trauma never happened.
I sense that I still have some unintegrated grief around what it has taken for me to stay committed to this path. The judgements, isolation, misunderstandings, mocking and aloneness have been a lot to digest at times. The tension between the spiritual impulse and the survival impulse of belonging can be unbearable at times. But nothing has ultimately swayed me from this path of awakening. Nothing could. When the spiritual impulse comes alive in us there is nothing to do but allow it to lead. Even when it costs us everything.
I was going through my books yesterday, looking for something for a friend, and I felt waves of gratitude and love for all the teachers and teachings that have been part of my journey. I wept. I have my favourite teachers still but my “path” is my own now. I trust it. I trust myself. I don’t follow the constant barrage of new non-duality teachers. I can’t. I find they don’t have the lineage and depth to support the teaching. I still spend a lot of time “free-falling” through undigested trauma but always land right side up in the arms of love. I trust that.
If I could share one small thing I’ve learned about the spiritual impulse I would say that she likes to lead with simplicity and slowness and that she gets overwhelmed by the speed and complexity of the mind. Honour her as your deeper self and let her guide you….. Take one small spiritual truth that resonates with you and allow it to permeate your whole being. Sit with it. Breathe with it. Cry with it. Inquire into it. Is it true? Apply it to your own experience and when it has integrated in you as your very own truth then share it with someone.
I’m grateful to be here with you.
I hope you will consider joining me and a small group of friends for my upcoming event, The Sacred Simplicity of Right Now. If you have any questions feel free to email me.
All of Candace’s services are Trauma, PTSD, Complex Grief, Chronic Illness and Benzo withdrawal symptom sensitive.