The weather is changing here on the West Coast. It’s a gorgeous morning. I can feel the coolness of the air on my feet. It’s almost time for my warm wooly socks. The leaves are changing colour on the trees right outside my yard. Trees that have been a beloved source of support on my healing journey. I know them in the same way I know myself. I know that may sound strange to some but to others it will resonate deeply. When we heal our trauma and begin to rest into our true nature there is a restructuring of the way we perceive reality; we come to know, without a doubt, that we share our nature with all of nature.
The journey for me in the last decade has been; “what is it that i need to do internally; how is it that I need to tend to myself so that I can be with others from a place of connection and not from a place of separation”. Where am I still hurt and defended?
I feel a heaviness in my body today. My youngest brother, Joseph, died last month. I’m grieving. I can’t quite find the words yet to describe what my little brother went through over the last 2 years of his life. Nobody should suffer the way he did. In honour of him I refuse to cast a positive spin on how much he suffered. It’s hard to meet life on life’s terms. I have a strong tendency in my nervous system towards dissociation and positivity but love keeps calling me back to feel the depth of my grief and to allow myself to be changed and rearranged by his death.
I lit a candle this morning for him as I have every morning since he passed. I reflect on the baby boy that mom brought home from the hospital and the busy toddler that had an obsession with escaping from his crib. I remember his high risk teenage years and when he met his first love and future wife, Zelda. I see images of him laughing with his children and grandchildren. A beloved father and grandfather. I sit with memories of him through all ages and stages of his life. I feel him here; present in my heart. This is where he has always lived. In my heart. I let the grief dissolve all the barriers that were created between us when he was alive. I feel him and know him in the same way I know my own heart.
Grief changes us. It’s meant to.
May we all give way to the transformational nature of grief that shows us the immense and unconditional nature of our own true hearts.
“My Beloved grows
right out of my own heart
how much more union can there be.
Come on Sweetheart
let’s adore one another
before there is no more
of you and me.”
On Friday, September 29th we will begin the 8 week course; Free to be Here: An Awakened Path to Healing Trauma. As always my events are an invitation to pause and join with others in a safe, slow and sacred space. In this course we will engage in teachings about Presence; trauma and the nervous system; meditation; grounding; orientation; and creative practices followed by questions and dialogue.
This month I am also beginning a Free Online Weekly Gathering: A Resting Place where we will have an opportunity for regular and consistent practice together. The nervous system doesn’t change on it’s own. It changes through safety, stability, self compassion and the reiteration of simple practices that reinforce patterns of stability and coherence in the nervous system.
Whether you are new to these kind of practices or a seasoned practitioner you are welcome to join us. The practices are simple and direct and the shared space is safe, warm and welcoming.
I wish you a gentle and kind relationship with yourself as you navigate these challenging times.
All of Candace’s services are Trauma, PTSD, Complex Grief, Chronic Illness and Benzo withdrawal symptom sensitive.