I’m always a little reluctant to use the word God but my hope is that each of you will allow yourself to replace the word God with whatever word speaks to you.  Today I’m using the word God and perhaps tomorrow I will use something different. God is not limited by the different names we have for her.

I’m feeling some stress in my body today.  It’s a gorgeous day.  The sun is shining and my hostas have grown about 2 inches since yesterday.  I spent a little time in the garden pulling weeds and planting geraniums and then followed an impulse to move inside for some quiet reflective time. 

When I’m stressed my body contracts into self protection.   My nervous system is activated by an early childhood imprint of not feeling safe.  When I first became a spiritual seeker I thought that it was a direct path to enlightenment.  I thought that I could bypass my childhood trauma.  Avoid all the messy stuff.  I can’t.  None of us can.  It’s all here stored in the body waiting for release and integration.  When I can allow the activation in my nervous system to simply be here I am responding to the echo’s of my past.

I take my tired body and find my cozy seat on the couch where the sun shines through my living room window.  As I rest I know that I am resting in the very heart of God.  A deep knowing that comes from decades of spiritual practice.  All of me is welcome here.  Even the parts that I have tried so hard to push away.  

An ordinary moment becomes a sacred moment when we’re willing to pause.

I wonder for a moment about my audacity in claiming that I know anything about the heart of God.  It’s bold.  It’s also as natural as my next breath, the ground beneath my feet and the sound of birds in the back yard.  She holds me in my vulnerability.  My boldness.  My awkwardness.  My exhaustion.  She is unwavering in her devotion.  I feel tears of gratitude welling up behind my eyes and some relief in knowing that the tension is starting to give way to the love that welcomes me here with such gentle understanding. 

My life is an continuous offering to this moment.  I arrive here as a holy mess of a human being and I know that I belong here.  I know that I can rest here. I know that I am home here.  

You are welcome to join me and a small group of friends on April 17th, 2024 for the upcoming event, Afraid to Stop: The Momentum of the Separate Self

All of Candace’s services are Trauma, PTSD, Complex Grief, Chronic Illness and Benzo withdrawal symptom sensitive.

Candace Kirby, Counsellor

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