Spirituality was mostly a mental preoccupation for me until I understood the impact of trauma on my physiology. I used spirituality the way some people use drugs. An attempt to numb the pain. Always reaching for the next high. The next realization. The next teacher. The next retreat. The next practice. The next book or even the next Youtube Video or FB post that would give me a moment of respite.
As I began to bridge the internal gap created by trauma I realized that my seeking was a movement away from myself and what I really wanted was to reconnect with myself. This required me to come into right relationship with the parts that I had buried so deeply in order to survive. The more I tried to push them away the stronger they became. I began to realize that these abandoned parts, often revealing themselves as emotions, constriction or strong sensations in the body, held the key to my liberation.
Spirituality isn’t a movement away from self, if anything it’s a movement towards self. Of course. What else would love do but gather up all her abandoned parts and love them back to life again.
In my experience, this journey of reconnecting with ourself is the spiritual path.
There is no other path.
The impact of trauma and spiritual awakening is inextricably linked and I don’t believe that we can evolve as beings without making that turn towards ourself and our undigested trauma. We only have to look at the state of our world to know that we are heading in the wrong direction. It is up to us individually and as a collective to heal and wake up from the false self and her propensity towards unconscious and destructive behaviour.
For most of my life I took on the weight of other people’s actions and abuses. I blamed myself for everything until I would collapse under the weight of my own confusion and self loathing. I lived in a collapsed state most of the time. Apologizing for my very existence.
As I engaged in the deep healing of my nervous system the energy of anger started to arise. This energy cleared up the confusion in me about what was mine and what belonged to others. It was messy. It scared me because it threatened my survival identity which was to be a helper, a pleaser and a victim.
At first I didn’t trust the energy of anger. I didn’t know that it was here to balance something in me. I wish I could say that it was always nice but it wasn’t. It was a force. It was done with nice. It was done with self-punishment. It was done with not having any boundaries. It would not be pushed back down. It was not interested in my investment in an identity that no longer served me. It was interested only in the truth. It’s truth.
I feel the balancing of this energy in my system now. It’s settling into a deep and profound knowing that love is a balance of yin and yang. The feminine and masculine. God and Goddess. One without the other isn’t balanced. Both are needed.
When our sensitive hearts are supported by our strong core we can really be here and in service to something much greater than our personal identities. Trust what life is revealing to you and through you right now. Even when it gets messy.
Like Rumi says in his famous poem, The Guest House.
“Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
If this resonates with you and you would like to join me for my upcoming 3 session event; The Unadorned Beauty of Being Here click on the link for more information.
For the last decade my own path (and my work with clients) has included building capacity in the nervous system and the role of the nervous system in spiritual awakening. If this is something that you might need support with please check out my private sessions and upcoming events and courses. You are also welcome to join me for my free Sunday gathering: A Resting Place
PS my work with strong emotions like anger and rage is slow and nuanced and does not include cathartic practices. No screaming in the car. No beating on pillows. No telling off your parents. We begin by building capacity in the nervous system a little bit at a time. For more information about my work with anger and rage you are welcome to contact me.
All of Candace’s services are Trauma, PTSD, Complex Grief, Chronic Illness and Benzo withdrawal symptom sensitive.